As Hard as it Gets
by Forbidden.Love.21
Summary: I didn't want to be in this place; I didn't want to deal with the fact that I'm no longer the person I always thought I was. But I sure as hell didn't want to deal with Tim Riggins'
1. Forever and Always

_Did you ever notice how even in the darkest of winter nights, when the snow falls there is this almost magical glow of light in the sky, on the ground, in everything that the snow touches; It gives you the perfect illusion that even in the darkness, you have light._

_-Charlie (entry from her journal)_

There was something about living in the city that makes your blood different. I know that sounds crazy, and I'm not one of those city people who look down on those who don't, thinking I'm superior to them. But, as I walked down the street, hand in hand with my boyfriend. The cold nipping at my nose, the sound of people yelling, and the sound of cars moving along every street trying to get to some unknown destination, I just felt at home, at peace with the crazy world around me.

City noise; that was the soundtrack to my life, not some pop song on the radio that everyone claimed to be their song.

"You're doing it again." I glanced up at my smiling boyfriend an I laughed and apology, "Sorry."

He stopped walking long enough to pull me closer to him, leaning his head down to kiss my forehead before telling me, "I wish I could follow you sometime." His hand was warm as he put it on the back of my neck and brought my face closer to his. "You're amazing, you know that right?" He didn't give me time to reply before his lips met with mine. The kiss was short, but it was sweet and left my lips tingling and craving for more.

He smiled against my mouth, "Where did you go this time?" he mumbled, pecking my lips again. Like he too, couldn't get enough.

"Nowhere, I was just thinking about how much I love the city." I answered honestly. Most people tell me I get to lost inside my head, but Troy? He tells me that's what made him fall for me in the first place.

"How much you love the city or love me?" He wiggled his eyebrows, making me laugh.

"The city." I said smirking at him playfully, "Of-course."

"Ouch." He shook his head grinning, "Guess I'll just have to buy you the city then. Hold it ransom for your love."

I kissed him gently, shutting my eyes, getting lost in the moment, lost in him. "I love you," I whispered against his lips before kissing him again. He rested his forehead against mine, which wasn't easy considering he's 6'1 while I'm only 5'4 (well, okay, about 5'4) "I love you, Charlie."

"Forever?" I asked, knowing his answer immediately. "Forever and always."

Troy wasn't one of those people you could forget, he had this amazing smile that brought out these two dimple that could melt the coldest hearts. He had these blue eyes that where like magnets, you couldn't help but notice them- then like gravity you kepts coming back to them. And his dark shaggy hair curled right at the neck that you had to run your hands threw. He was perfect, not just look wise. He gave his time to charities and was always one to lend a helping hand to a friend in need.

He just made people feel good about themselves. He made them feel like they belonged. Which isn't always easy. His Dad, was one of the richest in the united states. Which made most people deathly afraid of Troy, and his family. I mean, when you had bill gates over for dinner and you attended functions at the white house, people tend to think your ether a snob or really are better then them.

But Troy wasn't like that. I didn't even know who he was until he told me. He never let me feel bad about myself, or about where I came from. Even though, I knew his parents didn't approve of me or my family. Who wants there Ivy league future CEO of ones of the largest businesses to date a girl who's mom is a 'physic' (though she hates that term, she likes to consider herself a sensitive to the other worlds) and who herself, was not on the track to becoming anything other then, well, then herself.

I kissed him again, "I have to get home." he shook his head his arms tighting his hold on me, "Nope, not letting you."

"What, are you going to hold me for ransom now?" I asked smiling with my eyebrow raised.

He laughed and pulled me closer to him, so my head was resting on his chest, hearing his heartbeat. "You're to precious. No one could offer me anything that would be more important to me then you."

"That sounded really cheesy you know."

He laughed, it echoed in my ear, I felt butterflies in my stomach. "I over did it huh?"

"Just a bit." Grinning I pulled back, and he tucked a strand of my dark hair behind my ear. "I really have to get home. Mom wants a family meeting."

He nodded his head looking disappointed, "Call me later?"

"Don't I always." I teased.

He gave me another quick kiss, "Lets get you home." he took my hand and stepped closer to the street, hailing me a cab.

o.O.o

I felt frozen, completely and utterly frozen.

Even with my mom standing there in front of me, a giant smile on her face, her talking a millions miles a minute like she always does when she's excited. Even with the fact that the words 'we're moving' were repeating in my mind, I sat frozen and unbelieving.

We're moving? No- We aren't moving. I thought, wondering if maybe Webster changed the definitions of those words in the past twenty four hours and maybe I, in all my barista glory was to elbow deep in patronizing customers that I didn't get the memo.

Because, my mother, my blood would not really be standing in front of me telling me that we're moving cross country because of some guy she wants to find, because her spirit guide told her too.

My mother would not do that to me, while standing there with this pure look of glee on her face.

I felt my little sister take my hand, and I suddenly became unfrozen. I looked down and saw her brown eyes wide and white, her hand sweaty in mine.

"What about school?" I asked, my voice higher then normal.

"Oh babies;" she sighed, "I wish you would just let me home school you, the education system today isn't-"

"Mom-" I cut her off, "You aren't home schooling us." It was an age old fight between us.

She sighed dramatically, "Well, there is a school down there "

"But."

"It's a fresh start girls." She smiled lovingly, as if she just told us we won the lottery.

The thing you have to know about my mom is. She means well, she really does; in her own way she's a saint. She's just- not a normal mom.

Most girls moms tell them to wait for sex, mine told me it was natural and amazing, that I shouldn't be ashamed by human nature. Or the time she told me I could be doing more to my life then school, that I should broaden my horizons and think outside of the box.

My mom was a free spirit, she lived for adventure and being in the moment.

My dad was the voice of reason, he was the one that kept me and my little sister 'grounded in reality' while my mom was off saving trees or dancing under the moon naked.

He loved her, we all loved her. We just didn't understand her.

Then last year everything changed, somewhere along the line him not understanding her became more then him loving her.

So he left, one day he was there fixing the sink- the next day he wasn't.

o.O.o

"I looked it up online-" My voice crackled, I bit my lip to stop from crying. "It's horrible Amanda, really horrible." I told my best friend over the phone, as I sat in front of my laptop cringing at every I had looked up.

"Come on babe, it can't be that bad?"

"Oh, it is that bad. It's extremely that bad." I sighed, "do you know how flat Texas is?"

I heard her snicker over the phone, "Your upset because of geographical problems?"

"No I'm upset because-" I paused, "I'm upset because my mother thinks Dillon Texas is a fresh start. A very fresh start to what? Flat land and lots of brown. I bet they have nothing that is even green there."

"I think you're being a bit dramatic Babe,"

"Dramatic?"

"Yes, dramatic. Chances are this will blow over. Remember the time you're mom swore you were going to Ireland to find the Lochness monster?"

"Scotland." I corrected.

"Huh?"

"Nessie is Scottish, Not Irish. She wanted to go to Ireland to find the Sidhe."

"My point exactly babe. Your mom has always been one with far out ideas about going to places to find things."

"Okay, but why can't she try to find a guy at the store like normal women do."

"You're missing my point here."

"I am?"

"Yes, you are. When have you ever been to Scotland or Ireland? When has your mom ever truly acted on going to one of these places to find this mystical creature she's looking for."

I sighed, "Never." Did Amanda have a point? I wondered.

Was this just another one of my moms crazy ideas what she would never in a million years follow through with?

"Girl, listen to me. You are not moving to Dillion Texas. Wherever the bumfuck that is. Your ass is staying right here where it belongs."

I smiled, finally feeling better.

"Your right, I have nothing to worry about."

"Good. Now what did Troy say about this?" she asked, I could hear her TV on in the background and I knew with out a doubt that she was probably watching the cooking channel.

"Nothing," I spun around on my computer chair, sighing. "I haven't told him about it."

"Really?" she was definitely surprised. "Not that I'm upset I was your first call, but call me crazy you always tell Troy things first."

"I just-" I paused and took a deep breath, she waited silently for me to continue. "I didn't know how to tell him."

"Well, did you figure it out yet?"

"Figure what out?"

"How you're going to tell him?"

"Yeah," I said sheepishly, "I'm not."

"excuse me, that sounded a lot like 'I'm not'" I heard her TV mute.

"Cause it was."

"Explain, please."

"Like you said, I'm not going. This is just some crazy idea my mom has that will pass in the next few days, there is no reason to get him upset."

She sighed, "I hope you know what you're doing."

"I do." I think.

o.O.o

"Sam?" I called walking into our apartment a few months later, after getting a hectic phone call from my little sister. (Yes, her name is Sam. Not Samantha, but Sam. It was my mom's idea to give us 'boy' names so we didn't blend into the normal stereotypes of girls or something like that.) I left work early.

"Sam, where-"

Boxes. Boxes where everywhere. In every corner on everything. My life, my home was in complete box chaos.

"Oh, there you are baby, I was just making tea. Want some?" My mom asked, coming out of the kitchen with a dishtowel in her hands.

I saw my sister walk in the room, a look of shell shock on her face. My mom kept talking but I didn't hear a word she was saying, I put out my hand and Sam walked over taking it into hers.

"What?" I asked, not sure of what she was saying.

"Weren't you paying any attention Charlie?" my mom shook her head, "I said, that I put a down payment on a place."

"Tell me you're kidding mom?" My voice raised. "You have got to be kidding."

"Charlie. I don't know why you're acting like this is some surprise. I told you we we're moving."

"You said that two months ago mom! You haven't said anything since! I - I- I thought" I gave defeated.

She walked over towards me and Sam, patted my cheek. "It'll be okay baby," she smiled gently, "I'm sure you'll love it there." She smiled brightly, "This is going to be a very good thing for us. I'm sure of it. The moving company will be here in the morning"

she left me and my sister standing there in the middle of the living room, stunned and betrayed as she walked into the kitchen to make tea.

"You said we wouldn't have to go..." I heard Sam say softly, I squeezed her hand, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I didn't think we'd have too."

I sat on our stoop our of brownstone apartment building waiting for Troy to get here. My eyes where sore from crying, my head felt stuffy and I could almost swear I was going to throw up any minute.

My body seemed to be betraying me also.

"Charlie?" I looked up surprised, Troy was standing in front of me.

"Hi." I said hoarsely, looking away blinking back tears.

I don't know how, and I don't really care how. One moment I was sitting there trying my hardest not to cry, then next I was standing in Troy arm crying the harder then I have all day.

It didn't help, none of it did. Him being there holding me, whispering In my ear telling me that's it's okay, that whatever is wrong he'll be there to help me with. None of that made me feel better, it hurt worse. It hurt a lot worse actually.

Because he wasn't going to be there to help me through it. He'd be here- far away from where I was going and I'd be alone.

"I'm sorry," I kept saying over and over moving out of his arms.

"What happened?" he eyes wrinkled in worry. I shook my head, pulling myself together. Taking deep breaths, "I'm-" I stopped, more tears fell. He took my head, "You're what?" he kissed my hand, "Whatever it is baby, we'll be in it together."

I took a deep breath, while looking into his blue eyes that had always felt like my home. I shook my head, crying softly "We can't" I whisphered "I'm moving."

* * *

I'm pretty sure troy was thinking she about to drop the, 'I'm pregnant' speech on him.

Anyways let me know what you think? :)


	2. Breathe

_Sometimes I think it hurts just to breathe, like every part of my body coils when I wake and take that first morning breath and remember that I'm completely lost in this brave new world with its too brown surroundings, and foreign ways. Who knew that one word, one tiny word would make it so hard to live, too breathe._  
_-Charlie_

_plunk** grump**phuph **plunk**_

"No, no no no no!" I shut my eyes saying a silent prayer to whatever god might be listening, "Please don't do this to me," After everything I've been through the past week, this was the last thing I wanted.

PLUN**KGRPH**MKLUNK

"Pretty please?" I begged, as if the car god could hear my plea.

KUC**HUPH**.

Its answer was not only a noise I was sure was impossible for a car to make, but also smoke pouring out from under the hood that was so thick I had the urgent feeling to flee, as if I might get stuck inside the car while the thick dense smoke filled the air around me making it impossible to open the door, let alone breath.

I had a sudden feeling of being claustrophobic, being stuck while the world around me was free.

I sat in my dead smoke riddled car on the shoulder of the road for a complete second; hands still clenching the wheel with my eyes wide with surprise or horror; I'm not really sure which- when suddenly I couldn't help it- I screamed, a gut wrenching scream and pounded my fist against the wheel.

I wont cry, I told myself. Screaming is fine, but crying isn't.

I took a deep breath before slowly getting out of the car to open up the hood. Not that I knew what I was doing, or how to fix whatever was wrong. But, opening up the hood seemed like the right move. But, as soon as the latch snapped and the hood popped up, I knew I made a mistake- More smoke then I thought possible came out, making me jump back and cough the lung full of smoke I had inhaled.

"Damn it!" I slammed the hood down, glaring at the smoke that probably isn't environmentally friendly before returning to the drivers side, I leaned in the opened window and took out my cell phone.

No service, of course.

But even if I did have service, who could I call? I had no one here but my mother and sister, and my sister who would be here in a heart beat had she known I needed her was still to young to come to the rescue. And my mother? My mother's the one who got me into this mess anyways.

I should have known the moment my mother said she had a 'gift' for me, that it was anything but. I should have ran screaming the moment I seen her smile and rattle on while handing me the keys saying something about a 'key to a new beginning.'

I did what any mature human would do.

I kicked my tire.

Alot.

"Stupid, stupid, piece of crap!" I said with each kick. "I'm sooo taking you to the scrap yard," I growled, "just wait and see, buddy!" I stopped kicking it, panting. Feeling the pain from my toes all the way up to my knee.

"Y'know, I think you scared it enough now,"

"What the hell," I jumped a good three feet, turning around my hand over my chest, to come face to face with some stranger on some random Texas road, The amused smirk on the stranger's face was almost enough for me to start kicking again, but this time it wasn't my tire I wanted to kick "I think its not the only thing scared here," I stated as calmly as I could, my heart still pounding.

The stranger was good looking, in a very cover of GQ sort of way. He was rugged, tall, strong; his plaid halfway unbuttoned shirt showed just how strong he was. His dark hair fell across his eyes. Eyes that I could only guess where a dark color. He looked to be a few years older then me.

His lips turned up at the corners into a small smile, "Sorry I didn't mean to scare ya"

"Bull shit." I said, with out missing a beat. My hands went to my hips, my body forming a defensive position. "You sneak up on a girl,in the middle of some deserted texas road, and you say you don't mean to scare her?"

His smirk grew, "Now I asked if you needed any help first," he shrugged his shoulders at me, "s'pose you didn't hear me over the beatin' you were giving your car"

"I guess southern hospitably isn't dead then." I said sarcastically.

"Naw," he look mildly amused, "Guess not. So you need help?"

I shook my head, sighing sadly. "More like a miracle."

He smiled, "Well lets see what kinda miracle I can work," he walked towards the car, "Was it making any particular noise?" he lifted the hood of the car, steam and smoke came out. He stood back, waiting for my answer and for the engine to cool.

"It was making a sort of gurgling coughing sneezing noise." His eyebrow raised, "You tellin' me your car has a cold?"

I rolled my eyes, "I swear, it was weird. I was just driving along, then Fred just started freaking out."

"Fred?" He looked over my shoulder, as if waiting for someone named Fred to appear.

"My car, his name is Fred. You know' after drop dead Fred?" He looked at me curiously, like he couldn't tell what I was talking about. "Never mind " I said quietly looking away my feet shuffled uncomfortably and my hands went into the pockets of my jean short. He shook his head amused, making his way to his beat up truck -which I couldn't help but notice how very southern that was- getting out a toolbox."Thanks for stopping," I said, watching him walk back towards my car, and look under the hood. "No problem" he said.

"So what's your name stranger?" I finally asked, after the awkward silence and watching him under my hood for a few minutes. I mean, the guy was under my hood, I should atlest know his name and not call him stranger.

"Tim," he said, though his attention never wavered from him making a miracle.

"I'm Charlie," I heard the slight pause in the tinkering, he went right back to work not commenting.

"Big talker" I mumbled under my breath, "You need any help?" I asked, walking closer to him, I peered at what he was looking at under the hood, which looked like nothing but a bunch of dirty metal things and hoses.

"Naw," How can someone make one tiny word sound so long and amused.

"Just so you know, your missing out." I joked, "My car skills are amazing. You've never seen anyone hand tools out like me before. And if you need a still flashlight," I whistled, "I'm your girl."

He looked up, smirking "I'll just have to keep that in mind," he nodded his head towards were he had just been working, "your head gasket is blown it caused some damage to the engine, some leakage between the cylinders"

I grimaced, "I'm taking that as a bad thing?"

"Fixable but expensive," He shut the hood "probably not worth it."

I sighed, "Is it somewhat drivable?"

He shook his head, glanced once again at the car. "Not anytime soon."

"Damn it." I moved getting into the car, locking all the doors and rolling up the windows taking my cell phone out once again. Still no service, "Just my luck." I said mostly to myself turning around finding Tim watching me curiously.

"You're not from around here, are you?"

I laughed, "What gave it away? my lack of an accent or pale skin?" I shook my head with a long sigh, "I just moved here," I patted Fred's top, "This sucker was suppose to get me through my first week here."

He nodded his head, and I couldn't help but think about how much a of a big talker he is. "Anyways," I started, "I should get going..."

"Going where?"

"Home sweet home,"

"You're walking?"

I threw up my hands, "Hey, it wasn't my idea and it seems you're out of miracles here"

"I can give you a ride" I raised my eyebrow, he put his palms up in an 'I'm innocent' manner, "let me offer this one last miracle." His accent drawled like smooth honey.

I nodded, "Fine. But just so you know, I have a killer punch."

"I'll be sure to remember that,"

"Good." I smiled.

O.o.O

"Sam?" I looked up, seeing my sister stand in the doorway of my bedroom, I put the book I was reading down beside me on the bed "Whats wrong?" she had clearly been crying. She ran to me, her body bouncing a bit as she landed on my bed beside me, her arms instantly wrapped around me. "I want to go home," she cried her head against my stomach.

I shut my eyes, "I know," I tried my hardest not to cry myself, "I do too. But, for right now this is our home. No matter how crazy and unfair it seems"

She looked at me with her watery eyes, "Don't you miss it? don't you miss Amanda and Troy and-"

"Hush," I said, brushing her hair with my hand, "I do. I miss everything about back home. But I can't change it..."

"We can pack our bags," she said excitedly, "We can run away. Go to dad."

Dad...

I shut my eyes, "Sam-" How can you tell your sister that your dad no longer wants you. That he has a new family now, one that is more important to him then his old?

"Please-" she begged.

"It wont work" I said sternly, trying to hide my sadness and guilt.

She put her face back on my stomach, I felt her tears soak through my shirt. "It'll be okay," I promised, "We'll get through this."

O.o.O

"Honey, I thought you'd be out"

I kept going through the fridge, trying to find something to make for dinner. "Out where mom," my voice held my anger, "With all my friends? I doubt they'd make the drive to hang out." I snapped.

She sighed, "Well, Fred isn't in the driveway."

"That's cause he's on the side of the road gathering Texas dust," I shut the fridge door, "he's a junker mom. He didn't even make it ten miles without breaking down."

"Oh," she said, frowning, "Well, do we need a tow?" She asked. And I couldn't help but laugh that she would use the world 'we' when we both knew, I was the one who would take care of it. If i left it up to her to help or do it herself, she'd forget. "Yeah, I got a number."

"Did you?" her brows scrunched together, "I didn't know we had a phone-book."

"We don't," I said tiredly "The guy who gave me a ride home gave me a number to call."

My mom face lit up, making her look years younger. Though, she already looked younger then she was. "You met someone? Does he go to your school?"

"Doubtful mom," I tried not to snap again, "He was older then me."

"Oh," she said sadly, frowning. "Well, if you need someone money for the tow, let me know okay honey?"

I nodded my head and forced a smile. "Sure mom."

O.o.O

"I miss you" I whispered on the phone, my eyes shut I pictured Troy sitting in his room laying on his bed his own eyes shut, his hand resting on his stomach. "I missed you too," I could hear his sigh.

"It's only been a week," I told him, "And i'm missing you like crazy."

He was silent, I thought maybe he had fallen asleep, the few hour time difference making it three in the morning there. "Troy?"

"I'm here," he told me.

No you're not. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't. It wasn't his fault.

"Do you want to get some sleep?" I asked, we had been talking for the past four hours, still I didn't want to let him go. If this was the only way have him, I didn't want to let it go.

"I'm fine-" he paused, "I'm just thinking."

"About?"

"You. Me. Us." I smiled at his words, "What about us?"

"Charlie-" he took a deep breath, "This has been killing me. Not having you here, its only been a week and its felt like a year"

"I know," I told him, feeling the same.

"I just don't know what to do"

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

"I mean... I don't know when I'll be able to get down there too see you. I-" I what? I wanted to shout. "Its too hard talking to you and not being able to hold you." I was silent, wondering where he was going with this. "I kept thinking it would get easier but it hasn't, damn it Charlie. it hasn't at all."

"I know,"

"I think we need space."

"Space?" my voice cracked, "Space from what?"

"From this."

"This what troy? How much more space can you be wanting, I'm miles away and-"

"From talking. From pretending that we're still together."

"What?" I could feel the tears coming now, wondering what the hell he was talking about. I thought we were still together, I thought we were still in love and happy and- "I'm sorry." He whispered, cutting of my silent rant, I sat there, silent. I shut my eyes, tears finally falling. "Is there someone else?"

"Jesus! No! How can you even ask that?"

"then why-"

"Because I love you. because this is hurting me. pretending everything is fine, pretending that you're only a few miles away rather then thousands. Because I just can't do this anymore."

"I have to go." I chocked out.

"Charlie,"

I shook my head, "No, I just-" I inhaled, my lungs feeling like they were on fire. "I have to go. I can't-"

"Please don't hang up," I could hear the pain in his voice, the little hitch, the one that alerted me to the fact that I wasn't the only one crying. But his pain didn't make it better, it only made it hurt worse.

* * *

Review, pretty please with Tim on top? ;)


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